Hard Days
Posted by Talema Mason on
I was so glad when the holidays were over! I know a lot of people probably felt the same. I've felt that way for several years & always thought it was because I worked retail. Then I realized a lot of people felt that way because although the reason for the season is a grand & joyous one, the holiday itself becomes very stressful - finding the perfect gift for each & every one, getting them wrapped, hoping you don't forget anyone, signing all the Christmas cards & getting them addressed & in the mail in a timely manner, figuring out dinner, trying to stay on budget & the list goes on & on!! It all seems worth it when you're all sitting around, full bellies from an amazing dinner, opening gifts, snacking on homemade goodies & seeing the smiles from loved ones who are not just happy with their gift but genuinely over-the-moon excited about it! But it is exhausting & stressful! I will tell you, my struggle with the holidays this year started when Thanksgiving rolled around & the weight of it didn't begin to lift until about a week after New Years. I was trying hard not to be obvious about it. But I was an hour, maybe an hour & a half late to Thanksgiving so I'm pretty sure my family knew something wasn't right. I would have rather stayed home but that wasn't an option. Thanksgiving was probably my husbands favorite holiday. It just didn't seem fair to celebrate it without him. Cooking for it was something we did together but not this year. I don't know if anyone noticed that the dressing was saltier than usual this year or not but it couldn't be helped, the tears came whether I wanted them to or not. I didn't send any Christmas cards. I didn't start Christmas shopping until about 10 days before & then it was because I had to. Staying up late Christmas Eve & wrapping gifts was our thing. We'd done it together since our children were little but not this year. Glenn would start out helping with the wrapping & after a little bit, he'd move to the couch or recliner & watch tv while I did the rest. And there were hours worth of wrapping to do but he would stay awake & keep me company even if he wasn't participating any longer. I don't know if anyone noticed or not that there were more gift bags than wrapped gifts this year but it couldn't be helped. Glenn never cared if he got anything for Christmas or not (he always did but he wouldn't have cared if he didn't). He just wanted to see the kids (our kids when they were young & now the grandkids) have a good one. He would have been on cloud 9 this year! He always loved babies & this year we were blessed with 3 new one's - Cora in February, Maddax in April & Hazel in November. He would have been so tickled to see the older one's getting SO excited over each & every gift. It didn't seem fair that the kids were having a good Christmas & he didn't get to share in it. Glenn had so many medical issues over the years & he truly struggled to get around because of his disability. I miss him terribly but I know he is in heaven, healed & whole, rejoicing & worshiping our Savior, reunited with our son who went home over 18 years ago, able to walk & run, jump & leap! I wouldn't wish him back for anything. He's reached what we've been striving for for years! Besides the pain of his absence (which is enormous), I have come to the conclusion that part of my problem is that we were married for almost 42 years & our vows said that the two became one. Now half of the one is gone and I feel like I am struggling to stand alone. I'm not exactly sure who I am. I'm still someone's mom, daughter, sister & Mimi but part of me is still missing. So yes, there have been some very, very hard days. Today was another one. I found out a friend lost her husband today & it hurts me to know someone else is going to struggle with the loss, the pain & all the hard days. Lord, be there for her, like you've been here for me - I know you will. I pray she feels your strength when she's feeling weak & feels your presence when she's feeling alone & see us both through all the hard days to come. Thank you, Lord, you have been so faithful!
Glenn and I, our two sons, daughter & son-in-law before grandchildren came along.